she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Randomize
