And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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