Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize