Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
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