I think my vagina is haunted
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
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