Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Randomize
