I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
Randomize
