Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
