If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
Randomize
