My room smells like vodka and shame
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
