I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
OPIZZABONMYDICK
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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