She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Randomize
