yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
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