Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
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