just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Randomize
