I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
