he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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