I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Randomize
