I wish my penis had an off switch
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Are my feet made of real feet?
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
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