dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
