im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
Randomize
