he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
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