If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
