even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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