i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
Randomize