Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
