Do you think you have hit the lowest point in your life when you find yourself actually condisering watching the movie "Gigli"?
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
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