I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
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