I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Randomize
