I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
