I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
I think we might need a safe word for this...
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
