Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
