Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
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