I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
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