I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
