With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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