You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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