I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Randomize
