Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
You ruined the universe
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
