all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Randomize
