My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
