I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
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