I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Randomize
