is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
