DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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