You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
my shit smells like andre
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
