is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
Randomize
