the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
Randomize