That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
