please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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