So drunk, too bad you don't want this
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
Randomize
