You work out of a Hotel?
and you said cock pushups were impossible
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
did i just pee glitter
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
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