a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Randomize
