I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Randomize
