I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Randomize