I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
Randomize
