why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
