were you the shorter or taller girl out of you two
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
