He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Randomize
