Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
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